Coming Out to the Church

My friend asked, “Are you uncomfortable?”

I made a silly joke to a friend a few days ago.  He asked a few days later about some gay culture stuff.  So, I’m explaining what a size queen is, why penis size is and isn’t important to some gay guys versus others, and how the sexual activity itself changes the way we value penis size.

Clearly, he’s a close friend.

Anyway, he asked, “Are you uncomfortable?”  I thought, “No.  Not at all.  You’re one of my best friends, and I know I can tell you anything.”  Then I thought, “I think he’s probably uncomfortable at least a little.”  And I thought about my other close, straight guy friends.  About how some are uncomfortable and some are not, and how their comfort level changes over time.

Here’s how I answered Bryan.

You get used to how uncomfortable being gay is.  Being in a room with 8 guys and 2 or 3 are talking about “fags.”  Or when your friends start to look at you during uber straight moments, whether it’s in a locker room (“hope he’s not looking at me”) or chatting bout the silly things girls do that piss them off (“wait - he does those… Hmmm”).

There is something every day that kinda calls attention to the fact that I’m different than everyone else.  We have to force ourselves to be comfortable with discomfort so that we don’t give off weird vibes, or it’d be easier to tell that we’re gay.  So, you learn to play along even when your insides are churning with fear or sadness or embarrassment or shame and you would rather be anywhere else doing anything.  But, you cover it up.

So eventually, awkward just doesn’t exist.  That’s why I have no bubble and will answer stuff so bluntly.

You’d be surprised how hard it is.  Imagine being a prostitute in church and the sermon being about strip clubs, whores, and porn.

No one really notices how much people hate gay people.  It’s just built into the way people operate.  It doesn’t even have to be about bad things.  ”Are you dating anyone?” my aunt asks.  ”Nope not right now.” “She’ll be one lucky girl.”  ”Yeh, she will.”

It’s just all lies and hiding and knowing that when people find out, you disappoint them.

The Dilemma

One of the biggest problems gay Christians face is finding people who really get them. I know it’s been a challenge for me. It’s hard to find gay friends, because a lot of gay guys seem to be obsessed with hot men or having sex. That’s not the kind of person I want to be. I would much rather help orphans in Africa or minister to the homeless in big cities than look at pictures of men all day long. My Christian faith is central to me and I feel like a lot of gay guys don’t really get that.

On the other hand, the Christian church doesn’t really get me either. There are those who are totally unsupportive, for one, but even among those who are supportive, very, very few understand the implications of what being gay means to me and my faith. Most Christians don’t know what it’s like to grow up gay or to come out or to have to fight to believe you can be a Christian because people say that being who you are and being a Christian is impossible. I can love my straight Christian brothers and sisters dearly and treasure them for who they are, but one thing they can’t offer me is the ability to relate to my experience.

Very often, I’ve found the people who have understood me best have been other gay Christians. They get it. They understand where I’ve come from and where I want to go. I’m totally not suggesting that gay Christians make better friends for me than other people. I love all people and value every friendship. They just have something that other people don’t have. I wish I had a lot more gay Christian friends so that we could all get each other together, but we are apparently a very rare breed of people. We’re scattered all over the place and we don’t really find each other unless we put in effort. I wish it could be simpler, but I’m willing to take it for what it is. Someday, I’ll have a whole whack of them. Until then, I’ll be just fine with where I am.

YES.  Friendships are difficult, and I feel exactly the same way Bryan does.  Is it true for you, too?

He literally took the words right from my mouth.  I could have said these exact things about my own life.  And I’ll refer back to this post-and this idea-when I tell you some of my coming out stories.  There are also so many nuances about this—about friendships—that I am thinking of right now.  So much to say.  But let’s just let this resonate for a second.

Love you family.  I have missed not typing out bits of my story every day.  I’ll get better.  The whole “but-i-want-to-read-what-the-people-i-follow-are-posting-sad-face-and-that-takes-so-long-i-have-less-time-to-blog-myself-and-so-i-think-that’s-just-why-we-all-reblog-stuff” noob syndrome is totally happening to me.