I made a silly joke to a friend a few days ago. He asked a few days later about some gay culture stuff. So, I’m explaining what a size queen is, why penis size is and isn’t important to some gay guys versus others, and how the sexual activity itself changes the way we value penis size.
Clearly, he’s a close friend.
Anyway, he asked, “Are you uncomfortable?” I thought, “No. Not at all. You’re one of my best friends, and I know I can tell you anything.” Then I thought, “I think he’s probably uncomfortable at least a little.” And I thought about my other close, straight guy friends. About how some are uncomfortable and some are not, and how their comfort level changes over time.
Here’s how I answered Bryan.
You get used to how uncomfortable being gay is. Being in a room with 8 guys and 2 or 3 are talking about “fags.” Or when your friends start to look at you during uber straight moments, whether it’s in a locker room (“hope he’s not looking at me”) or chatting bout the silly things girls do that piss them off (“wait - he does those… Hmmm”).
There is something every day that kinda calls attention to the fact that I’m different than everyone else. We have to force ourselves to be comfortable with discomfort so that we don’t give off weird vibes, or it’d be easier to tell that we’re gay. So, you learn to play along even when your insides are churning with fear or sadness or embarrassment or shame and you would rather be anywhere else doing anything. But, you cover it up.
So eventually, awkward just doesn’t exist. That’s why I have no bubble and will answer stuff so bluntly.
You’d be surprised how hard it is. Imagine being a prostitute in church and the sermon being about strip clubs, whores, and porn.
No one really notices how much people hate gay people. It’s just built into the way people operate. It doesn’t even have to be about bad things. ”Are you dating anyone?” my aunt asks. ”Nope not right now.” “She’ll be one lucky girl.” ”Yeh, she will.”
It’s just all lies and hiding and knowing that when people find out, you disappoint them.