un-at-tain-a-ble (adj) - not able to be reached or achieved
un-a-vail-a-ble (adj) - 1. not able to be used or obtained; at someone’s disposal 2. not free to do something 3. not having sufficient power or efficacy; valid
Seriously read those definitions again. Let them sink in.
I like things that are unattainable. It’s not unheard of, right… ”There’s no way you could do that.” And our first thought is “I’m gonna prove you wrong. I can do that.” And I seem to desire (quite often) things that are unavailable. And I seemed to be attracted to those things that are unattainable and unavailable. And I want to become that type of person. And I want to find a gay Christian who is up on that scale, too.
I don’t know how many people feel this way. Well, I may not even be making enough sense, yet. So let me introduce you to Ben. Ben is a student at West Point. In Mechanical Engineering. In the top 10% of his class. At West Point.
Has anyone’s jaw dropped yet? Or better question, will anyone’s jaw be un-dropped by the end of this post? He’s very attractive, he’s super fit (omg those pictures…) and he’s incredibly in love with Jesus. He’s all around awesome. I want to be at his level. And that level just feels unattainable, so I’m even more obsessed with him and guys like him. (I think I like prestige?) And, Ben’s straight. He represents everything that I wish I was, and he represents everything I should have been able to be. Seriously. I think that if I had been straight, I would have had a bigger set of cajones to deal with the whole uber-straight-man-environment, like the military or top tier college athletics or whatever.
And I think a question that I don’t like to ask… Where are the gay guys who are impressive?? I feel like there are so few impressive gay guys. There do seem to be many, many gay men who are impressive at something. But there are very few gay men—in fact, I don’t know a single one—who I would consider to be the well-rounded, impressive man that soooo many of my straight guy friends seem to be.
You may have seen the picture of the gymnast I posted. He’s beyond fit. He also loves Jesus. I spend an embarrassing amount of my time imagining the ways I would be different if I were straight. I also imagine what would change in my life if I were just a bit more fit, just a bit taller, just a bit more impressive.
You see, I already consider myself smart, determined, accomplished, whatever. But the qualities I lack, I focus on. I consider them tremendous character flaws. More frustrating, though, I see those characteristics as unattainable and unavailable.
So, I seem to be attracted to the type of guy that I can’t become. And it’s driving me crazy, because all I want to do is become the perfect catch, the perfect guy. And in my weakest moments of self-doubt, that includes being straight.
What’s the problem? I think there are many
- lack of gay male role models
- lack of masculinity in the perceived gay archetype
- poor self-worth
- inaccurate view of self
- lack of affirmation by others
There are certainly others, aren’t there? The causes really are the problems, and the causes may be too numerous (or abstract) really to list.