Coming Out to the Church

Coming out.

So how do I do it?

I tell them my story.  When I realized I was gay in 7th grade, and how even before that I had noticed something different about myself.  I tell them about how I became a Christian in 9th grade, and the many different perspectives I have had over the years.  That I thought it was wrong and changeable with effort and a miracle; that it could disappear maybe, but that I wouldn’t necessarily have an attraction to women; that it wouldn’t maybe disappear, but that I might be able to be attracted to women; or that I might be able to find one woman; or that God might want me to be married and grow in that attraction; or that I might be celibate; that gay sex might be wrong, but a gay relationship not (based on strict interpretation of how homosexuality is described in Scripture); that I don’t think it’s a sin to be in a life-long monogamous commitment with an equally yoked guy.  I tell them that’s where I’m at now, and I tell them how I got to this conclusion.

I tell them about why it’s difficult to be gay; I tell them about how being gay has helped me.  We talk about Scripture and what Scripture does and doesn’t say.  We talk about how God provides us more than Scripture to guide our lives—wisdom, prayer, the Spirit, community, the world around us.  I tell them about that moment I decided to test and see what God’s will was, and that it was a result of pure desperation and dissatisfaction with battling this huge thing that no one knows you’re warring against.  I tell them about what it’s like to be in the closet, and how it’s like lying and hiding.  I tell them about reactions to my sexuality.  I tell them about how I think my future might look.

We look at everything.  I ask how they’re feeling about what they’re hearing.  I get to hear their opinions on everything that’s quite complicated.  And I sometimes ask where they got those opinions and how they were formed.  I tell them about my desire to glorify God with my life, and that I think this is becoming a central part of God receiving glory and reaching lost people for himself through this.  I talk about the church and Christians and how it hurts.  I talk about loneliness and becoming a fulfilled me.  I ask more questions.

And often near the end of that heart to heart, I tell them the big one - the thing that has me most broken about my sexuality.  That I could be wrong.  That there may be a day where God helps me realize that he had set a rule that I had been denying as bad interpretation of Scripture.

I Can Justify Coming Out.

What I know about attitudes

Each person has very specific feelings about homosexuality, and they are either positive feelings or negative feelings.

Those primary feelings—that which the person thinks first—almost without exception are about approval.  It often expresses itself:  ”well, that’s fine,” “well, it’s wrong.”  You might call this an attitude.

What I know about how beliefs work

A belief is any premise that you hold to be true.  Beliefs and attitudes form opinions, or B+A=O.  “Starbucks coffee is high quality.  I enjoy high quality coffee.  I prefer Starbucks coffee.”

People’s opinions are very hard to change.

What I know about the B+A=O of homosexuality.

Homosexuality is a bit different.  Here, culture formed opinion, and the opinion is often easier to change.

When done right, providing new beliefs (and sometimes encouraging specific attitudes) can help re-form the person’s opinion.

This is a game of precise communication, and it requires slow movement along the latitude of acceptance further and further. (Social Judgment Theory)

Similarly, discussion must include heuristic and systematic processing.  At times, your listener will want to listen and learn; these logical, strong messages are more easily internalized and the attitude change is more stable.  However, emotional appeal can be helpful because emotions are easier (than logic) to interpret. (Elaboration Likelihood Model; Heuristic-systematic Model of Information Processing)

So, when you hear, “it’s a sin,” know that it is an opinion that is formed by a belief and an attitude.  When you dig deeper, you’re able to address the beliefs and the attitudes separately.  Hopefully, they hear my case if I communicate it well.

It’s not important that you’re gay. (Part 2)

Let’s review.  You may have read that coming out is a disclosure of your sexual orientation (or gender identity).  Well, that’s wrong.  We have to totally redefine coming out.

Coming out is NOT an announcement of sexual preference.  Coming out is revealing the truths about yourself by removing the masks you have worn so that the listener will be moved toward our cause to end prejudice.  Coming out’s main goal is to provide a setting for breaking down the myths and destroying the lies and distortions.  (We’ve heard this before from visionaries like Milk.)

If coming out were an announcement of sexual preference, then post it on Facebook, Tweet it, email your address book, and put it on your shirt.  But to do that would be the greatest disservice to social equality I can think of.  A fully wasted opportunity.

Ultimately, it’s not important whether or not you’re gay… and it’s not important whether or not someone knows that you’re gay.  Alone, the fact accomplishes nothing for you or the people you come out to.

Coming out is the best opportunity to share your convictions.  It should not only free you to be who you are, but it should help others be better able to be your friend and more capable of inclusiveness and understanding.  Don’t come out in vain by ignoring the powerful opportunity to fuel personal growth for you and your friends, to fuel the change toward social equality.