Coming Out to the Church

The problem with boredom

I think I’ve had a discovery.

Granted, I should have figured this out a lot earlier than now.  Anyone who can connect dots can realize this.  Man, am I dense.

I often think about guys.  naturally.  I think about them in a sexual way.  I recognize this is a problem.  But here I am at my dad’s at the moment.  No one is here.  I got here around noon, so I’ve been here for just about seven hours.  I have been chilling, doing nothing in particular.  Then I started watching Sherlock (which is awesome).  And now that I’ve watched all the episodes available on Netflix, I have nothing to do.

I’ve thought about going back to work to put about 3 hours into some tasks I’d love to have finished.  But I don’t want to because I think I want to mope.  Or hope that my night will take itself somewhere at some point. And it’s quite clear to me that I hope the destination to be a boy.  It could be a guy friend or a total stranger.  But what I want is to spend this weekend evening with a guy.

That’s the problem with boredom.  I get bored, and I end up thinking about my loneliness.  And it’s not “oh I’m so lonely.”  No.  It’s hopeful.  It’s “well, it’s only 8.  Maybe tonight will turn up something interesting.  Maybe I’ll meet a guy.”

But tonight’s not that night.  And I’ve hit the part in the evening where I have to make myself busy.

Unattainable, Unavailable Attraction

un-at-tain-a-ble (adj) - not able to be reached or achieved

un-a-vail-a-ble (adj) - 1. not able to be used or obtained; at someone’s disposal 2. not free to do something 3. not having sufficient power or efficacy; valid

Seriously read those definitions again.  Let them sink in.

I like things that are unattainable.  It’s not unheard of, right…  ”There’s no way you could do that.”  And our first thought is “I’m gonna prove you wrong.  I can do that.”  And I seem to desire (quite often) things that are unavailable.  And I seemed to be attracted to those things that are unattainable and unavailable.  And I want to become that type of person.  And I want to find a gay Christian who is up on that scale, too.

I don’t know how many people feel this way.  Well, I may not even be making enough sense, yet.  So let me introduce you to Ben.    Ben is a student at West Point.  In Mechanical Engineering.  In the top 10% of his class.  At West Point.

Has anyone’s jaw dropped yet?  Or better question, will anyone’s jaw be un-dropped by the end of this post?  He’s very attractive, he’s super fit (omg those pictures…) and he’s incredibly in love with Jesus.  He’s all around awesome.  I want to be at his level.  And that level just feels unattainable, so I’m even more obsessed with him and guys like him.  (I think I like prestige?)  And, Ben’s straight.  He represents everything that I wish I was, and he represents everything I should have been able to be.  Seriously.  I think that if I had been straight, I would have had a bigger set of cajones to deal with the whole uber-straight-man-environment, like the military or top tier college athletics or whatever.

And I think a question that I don’t like to ask… Where are the gay guys who are impressive??  I feel like there are so few impressive gay guys.  There do seem to be many, many gay men who are impressive at something.  But there are very few gay men—in fact, I don’t know a single one—who I would consider to be the well-rounded, impressive man that soooo many of my straight guy friends seem to be.

You may have seen the picture of the gymnast I posted.  He’s beyond fit.  He also loves Jesus.  I spend an embarrassing amount of my time imagining the ways I would be different if I were straight.  I also imagine what would change in my life if I were just a bit more fit, just a bit taller, just a bit more impressive.

You see, I already consider myself smart, determined, accomplished, whatever.  But the qualities I lack, I focus on.  I consider them tremendous character flaws.  More frustrating, though, I see those characteristics as unattainable and unavailable.

So, I seem to be attracted to the type of guy that I can’t become.  And it’s driving me crazy, because all I want to do is become the perfect catch, the perfect guy.  And in my weakest moments of self-doubt, that includes being straight.

What’s the problem?  I think there are many

• lack of gay male role models
• lack of masculinity in the perceived gay archetype
• poor self-worth
• inaccurate view of self
• lack of affirmation by others

There are certainly others, aren’t there?  The causes really are the problems, and the causes may be too numerous (or abstract) really to list.

I’m a holiday virgin

So we’ve finally passed the end of what I call the “Couple’s Holidays.”  You know, those holidays during the year where it’s especially evident that you’re supposed to be in a relationship.  It seems like some cruel person wanted them all to be together in one season.  It starts with Thanksgiving, and then Christmas (which is, in my mind, THE Couple’s Holiday), then New Year’s (second place), and then Valentine’s Day, which, ironically, is third place.

Valentine’s Day does not take first place Couple’s Holiday for us single people for many reasons.  Most significantly, there are enough single people (and taken) who decry Valentine’s Day.  It’s a Hallmark holiday or whatever.  There’s enough “Single’s Awareness Day” posts on twitter or facebook to make sure you know, “no big deal.”

I’m a holiday virgin—and what I mean is that I have been deprived of an even deeper significance to these holidays.  I have never spent these holidays with a significant other.

Now you may not remember what it feels like to be single at Christmas because there is so much going on, but it radiates pretty significantly at New Years with midnight kisses and all, since that’s pretty much the landmark moment for that holiday.

At Christmas, its much more of a nuance.  Well, not in my family, since there are SO many people who are happily taken.  Christmas gifts from boyfriends, making cookies together to take to that couples Christmas party you’re going to, getting the cute holiday picture of you two together at the tree, the list is endless.

Christmas is meant to be spent with a significant other, and the meaning of Christmas seems to somehow become more important because you have that person.  It’s the time of year where you think even more pointedly, “I could spend every Christmas with this guy.”

Thanksgiving is like the kick-off.  It marks the season where family begins to gather, and the family, making sure to include the boyfriend and girlfriend extensions, prepares for the upcoming joys of spending time with one another.

This is even more visible in my family, since on both my mom and my dad’s side, pretty much everyone lives here in the city within 15 minutes of each other.  It’s wonderful for the season, it really is.  Just take an extra dose of “Let it Snow” and “O Holy Night” on the playlist and skip “Merry Christmas, Darling,” every so often.

But I’m pretty tired of thinking about what my future boyfriend and our relationship will be like when watching others’ cute moments are so obviously unavoidable.  For the past few years now, every New Years Resolution has included, “I won’t spend next New Years Eve without some guy I deeply care about.”  And every year, the resolution doesn’t come to pass.  The part that sucks more is that there wasn’t a relationship during any part of the year.

Love seems to have the uncanny ability to move commitment and monogamy away from being a begrudged duty to a beautiful delight.

Check out this post from justificationbigrace.  i like it.  :)