A long while ago, someone asked me a question that I want to take a look at with you all.
Are the people that you’re around unhealthy for you?
A lot of gay people grow up in Christian homes. (or grow up around people who are generally hostile to homosexuality.) And if people are hostile to such a core nature or ourselves, is it really good for us to be around them? It’s a pretty compelling question, since I wrote a while back that helping our friends come to terms with homosexuality is supremely important. I said that, “our friendships will be stronger, and they will have the knowledge, and empathy, and passion to be my advocate.” I believe that if we persist, we could have “an army of allies who are quick to say, ‘I want to be your friend”’ to the outcast, and the broken, and the desperate.”
Now, though, I don’t think I know enough about psychology to answer this “is it healthy” question for my own self. And I don’t think I know enough about social psychology and sociology that allows me to definitively maintain my conviction that gay people must persist in their relationships for the betterment of the LGBT community.
Because what happens when those friends are doing more harm to you than good to you? Or, what happens when those friends are doing more harm to you than the good you are doing them? And, how do you know when it’s gotten to the point that you have to leave the friendship for your own sake—your own sanity or emotional well-being…. or safety? Where do we draw the line? One line for all people, or everyone having a different line? And does that make the person who take up more burden better than the person who gave up the friendships to save his emotional well-being?
What if it’s not just our Christian friends? What if the hostility comes from our family? Do we abandon them for our own sake?
I live in a pretty hostile environment. To be specific to what it feels like, the environments I am in seem to “put up with me.” No, they don’t use slurs. They don’t talk often about how it’s a sin, even though that’s the way they feel. They don’t often make gay jokes. My church, while a megachurch that tends to be somewhat “seeker-friendly,” in that there’s no fire and brimstone talk, and there’s certainly no hateful speech going on. But they certainly are open about homosexuality being sin and that same-sex marriage is a bad thing.
Whether family, extended family, friends, fraternity brothers, or volunteer organizations I’m a part of, I definitely don’t feel very comfortable being gay around them. I’d call that… suffocating, but for the sake of the term I’ve been using, I think we could feel pretty comfortable calling it hostile.
SO, here’s where I’m at. I’ve stopped going to my church, basically. I avoid my family. The only people I truly seek out are those who I know love me for me… and those who I need to interact with where I know my sexuality isn’t bothersome to them at all, that my sexuality is entirely peripheral to our friendship, even if they’re not 100% convinced same-sex marriage is a good thing.
Am I in the middle ground? I’ve not quite withdrawn, because I hate the idea of withdrawing. And I’m not quite persevering, am I? I’m avoiding the conflict and the emotional wreckage. So what is this exactly? Is this “in the world but not of the world”? Or is it “lukewarm”?
To be honest, I’m not quite sure how I feel about where I’m at. Nor do I know how I feel about whether one should withdraw or persevere. I know where I’m at, I keep asking, “is the grass really greener on that side? Is the picture really that much more beautiful when I’m surrounded by affirming people at the cost of possibly leaving my church or friends or family?” And I don’t know the answer. I wish I did.
